Overly Opinionated Review: Nuclear Waste Antidote

I’m not going to talk about the name. I refuse. Suffice it to say that–with much respect to Messrs. Layman and Osmond, of course–I’ll content myself to look on with more than a passing disquietude. Just to be clear though, it is called Nuclear Waste Antidote. Really.

So I’m not going to talk about the name. I am, however, definitely going to talk about the god-awful graphic design going on here. This thing is horrible. It doesn’t even look real. It’s looks like a joke can designed by Strongbad and The Cheat. It’s like they just sat around coming up with random slogans and no one could agree so they just used all of them–each with a different typeface.

The Can
I don’t want to take up too much space ragging on the can, but for some reason it’s really bothering me. I can’t get over it. It looks like there should be some kind of giant Japanese robot inside, like a super-mega-something or other. Then, when you open it, there’s a chorus of people shouting “Smart Power!!!!!” and busting out karate poses. The fact that someone invested money in this is troubling. I kept thinking that I was holding some dude’s grandparent’s nest egg in my hands and it was covered with crazy stripes and the stupid lightning bolt font.

The Website
The website is just as ugly, only it’s bigger and it employs a more liberal use of primary colors. It’s just weird. I don’t know what to say except that I almost feel like a sucker writing about this stuff because I keep thinking that it must be a joke. The videos on the website are like comedy skits. I’m not kidding. Go watch them and let me know if they’re real. The schtick seems to be that they are using the popularity of their drinks as an opportunity to educate people about the dangers of nuclear radiation.

I’m going to repeat that for emphasis: I said they are using the drink as a vehicle to educate people about the dangers of nuclear radiation.

How could they possibly be serious about this? I know that this energy drink thing is an increasingly crowded market and the young entrepreneurial types are all trying to find an edge (I’m looking at you Mr. Jesus energy. You too Mr. Jimi juice). But, really, this is the best you could do? Nuclear Awareness? What is this, 1977? Hire some scantily clad women. Find a cute mascot, a puppet maybe or a kitcshy celebrity spokesperson. Do something, but don’t try play the socially aware card in a lame ploy to legitimize your attempt to cash in on a silly fad. IT’S A SODA WITH A BUNCH OF CAFFEINE IN IT. That’s it.

Admittedly, we do think pretty highly of ourselves here at the EF. We are here to help mind you, but I dare say that even we have quite a ways to go before deluding ourselves into thinking that we are going to change the world with caffeine.

Cynical. Yes, I know.

You know what else? Forget it. I am going to talk about the name. THERE IS NO FREAKING ANTIDOTE FOR RADIATION POISONING! Am I the only one who noticed this? Even with the loosest interpretation of the word antidote, that is even if the name is meant to suggest that we–through the rabid consumption of this nonsense–can eradicate the plague that is nuclear waste, it’s still…well it’s still just dumb.

Enough rambling. I’m sorry.

Taste, you ask? Go to the convenience store, close your eyes and grab any 16 oz. can of carbonated, energy something. That’s what it tastes like.

Buzz? Same thing. Average. They say no jitters and no crash. Well, I didn’t get jitters, so I guess that’s true. I didn’t really crash either, but the stuff never had me that high to begin with. It was completely average.

Average with a silly name and a half-cocked scheme to make you feel like your fiendish chugging is going to cure the ills of society.

Maybe I’m wrong here. Maybe their hearts are in the right place. I just can’t help but feel like all of this effort could have been put to better use in some other capacity.

W. T. F.

Unless this really is a joke, in which case I say they should have taken it much further. Granted, I don’t have the keenest eye for satire. I do have a tendency to be built a bit low at times and right now may well be one of them. It wouldn’t be the first time I missed the joke. This Nuclear Waste guy could be the next Jonathan Swift for all I know, but right now this whole thing is just absurd enough to confuse me.

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