Spazzstick Caffeinated Lip Balm Review

spazzstick.jpgSpazzstick is Caffeinated lip balm and before we get started, let me just say yes. I know what you’re all thinking and the answer is yes. I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I did it for you.

I ate some.

Just a little bit though and I really didn’t want to, but I felt a certain–I don’t know–a certain responsibility I guess, like I had to do it in the name of science. It’s lip balm with caffeine for god’s sake. We’re blazing trails here, people. Of course someone’s gonna eat some. Maybe it’s something new that we don’t even know about! I’m taking one for the team.

At any rate, it’s made in Alaska by elves or gnomes or something. Munchkins. I don’t remember. It was something cute and slightly amusing. It wasn’t offensive, so that rules out midgets.

Trolls. Something like that.

I have here one stick each of the Vanilla Toffee, Chocolate Cake, Orange Cream, and Minty Somethingorother. All of which did a pretty good job of reminding my brain what the real things tasted like except the chocolate cake. I can’t support chocolate cake flavored lip balm. I just can’t

Here’s my taste rankings, using the Ziggy Scale.

  • Chocolate Cake = Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed
  • Vanilla Toffee = It Ain’t Easy
  • Mint Stuff = Oh! You Pretty Things
  • Orange Cream = Moonage Daydream

Yeah, not exactly stellar. I know. I was kind of hoping to bust out a Panic In Detroit right there or maybe a Velvet Goldmine, but what are they gonna do? They’re gnomes.

Buzz. Well, if you’re looking for a trip, this isn’t going to do it. The dosage here is so tiny that I think you would basically have to eat a whole stick–which I also cannot support–in order to get any thing like that. It’s not that kind of product though. I think Spazzstick was developed as more of a utilitarian kind of thing than a recreational caffeinated product. If you use this that same way as you use unleaded chapstick (which I’ll talk more about later) you more than likely won’t feel a discernible pick up. I did, however, notice that I was staying awake another hour or two later than I normally would so I guess it’s a cumulative effect that we’re working with here. Micro-dosage. A sort of caffeinated IV drip, if you will.

And that about sums up the caffeine end of the Spazzstick. I’m cool with this stuff mostly, I think, because these Alaskan people or gnomes or whoever didn’t try to promise all of the usual outlandish crap that most drinks promise.

I’m think this whole whole stimulant arms race thing gets a bit tedious, which is why it’s almost refreshing to see a company basically say, “Look, you like the caffeine and you use the lip balm anyway, so here you go. It’s not gonna blow your mind, but you know, two birds and all that.” That’s honesty.

Now, that being said, I do have a couple of notes especially for the balmers out there. Some things to consider regarding supple, succulent, utter kissableness.

I think there is something weird going on with the lip protection end of the Spazzstick. I’m not gonna make any outright accusations of malfeasance. I’m just gonna say that I felt a need for substantially more frequent applications compared to sticks of the nonspazz variety. Like, annoying frequency. It almost felt like it dried my lips out more than it helped preserve the luscious.

Seriously, I started using this stuff and it immediately became apparent that something odd was happening. And it stopped as soon as I switched back to my usual stuff. And it started again as soon as I switched again.

So there. It’s not exactly a double blind clinical trial or anything, but we’re The Fiend dammit, we’re not the goddamn City of Hope.

So if you’re into it, give it a shot. I think I could stick (OHHHH!) with these if they’d fine tune the lip protectioniness formula a little. I’ve seen a few articles recently about optimal dosages and timing and whatnot and I think we might be heading towards a small shift in terms of what we thought we knew.

Coffee has been around for so long because it doesn’t suck. It’s great and if you think about it, it’s a huge part of our culture. They give this stuff away practically free all over the world every morning. It’s a social thing and it enhances peoples’ quality if life. Energy Drinks are already supplanting coffee because we’re getting better at isolating the good stuff and delivering it. They’re going mainstream and becoming popular because we–as humans–are finally fulfilling our destiny and claiming our divine right to get to work in the morning without English teacher breath.

So, I could probably dig a new thing where I just chew gum or something all day like I’m some toothless dude with a sweet tan in a flat-bottomed boat chewing coca leaves. Stuff like the Spazzstick and the gums and mints and blah blah might work into this new kind of scheme nicely. I’m cool with that. It’ll make the binges even more fun.

Oh, and change the packaging to look less silly. It’s not for kids. Kids will eat this stuff and they’ll probably get all hopped up and those are the kids what will inevitably annoy the shit out of people–good people like you and me–when we’re in public and we’re trying to mind our own and handle our business. We don’t need that.

I’m not saying to put skulls and flames and crap on it either. Just make it look normal so normal people will use it.

Otherwise, we’re cool.

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Last Modified: July 17, 2014